


Careless

by krazyk2314



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, F/M, Protective Castiel, Reader Insert, Self Confidence Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-01
Updated: 2015-12-14
Packaged: 2018-05-04 07:32:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,887
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5325890
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/krazyk2314/pseuds/krazyk2314
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The reader has some self confidence issues, and becomes careless during hunts, due to her lack of caring. Sam and Dean call in Cas to help.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

"Y/N! Watch out!" You hear Dean yell as the vampire placed his sharp protruding fangs near your neck. You had known the vampire was close, you were just waiting for the right time to strike, but you had missed your opportunity.

You saw the whites of the vampires eyes disappear in shock,  as his head slowly rolled off his shoulders, a breathless Sam wielding the bloody machete behind him.

"Thanks." You say, before glancing around the dilapidated house. Five or six bodies littered the floor, pools of blood where their heads had once been. The only ones standing were you, Sam and Dean, all three of you covered in blood and grime.

You grabbed the duffle bag from the floor, and made your way out the door, ready to head back to the seedy motel. You were definitely calling dibs on the shower first.

Sam and Dean followed behind, both giving you curious glances that you couldn't help but notice. You knew all their looks, you had been hunting with them for ten years, but you had been friends much longer. Your dad had been military buddies with theirs, and John had recruited your Dad into hunting once your mom had died.

Ignoring the silent conversation Sam and Dean were having, you crawled into the backseat, moaning when your shoulder bumped the seat. You had let the stupid vampire get the best of you, and now you were paying for it.

It wasn't the first time you had let a monster get the best of you. Without the help of Sam and Dean, you would be dead by now. Knowing how close you had just come once again to death, you were somewhat scared to feel nothing. It was as if your feelings had been shut off, you didn't care if you made it or not.

While you were pondering your maudlin thoughts, Dean had maneuvered the Impala into the small parking lot of the one story motel, the Lazy Bird Inn. What used to be a Robins egg blue door, was now chipped and peeling, the number 23 crooked and one door slam away from falling off.

You lead the boys into the room, grabbing your bag off the table before heading straight towards the bathroom.

"Y/N, wait." Dean said from behind you.

Knowing they would want to talk about your lapse during the hunt, you kept moving towards the bathroom, commenting over your shoulder. "Later Dean, I really need a shower first."

Dean didn't try to stop you, and you shut the door behind you. Quickly and painfully, you pulled off your long sleeved shirt, wincing at the purple that was already covering your shoulder.

______________

Stepping out of the shower, you wrapped the small, faded towel around your body, feeling much better after the time spent in the warm water. As you towel dried your hair, you could hear the Winchester brothers deep in conversation. Frowning, you stepped closer to the door when you heard your name.

"Sam, I know your closer to Y/N than I am, but man I'm telling you, something doesn't seem right."

You strained to hear Sams reply, because what Dean said was true. Sam was closer to your age, and the two of you were close friends.

"I've been worried too Dean. I don't know what it is, but I was hoping she would talk to me about it."

You heard the fridge open and close, before Deans deep, whiskey smooth voice sounded through the door. "So, do we just ignore it, hope she talks to you?"

Sams voice came again, this time much closers to the bathroom. "I think we should get Cas down here. I know Y/N has a thing for him, maybe she will talk to him. I'm afraid if we don't do something, it will end bad."

Knowing that if you eavesdropped any more you might get caught, so you turned away from thd door, throwing on sleep shorts and a tank top, and opened the door.

Dean must have already prayed to Cas, because he was there, standing there awkwardly in front of the beds. Sam and Dean were nowhere to be found.

Flustered, you threw your stuff back into your duffle bag, using more force than necessary. You knew that Sam and Dean had called Cas to find out what was going on, because Sam knew of your feelings for the Angel. If Cas turned those beautiful blue eyes in your direction you might end up breaking down, and telling him everything. Except, you weren't sure exactly what was going on, and even if you did, you weren't sure you could put it in words.

Stuck inside your thoughts, you didn't notice that Cas had moved closer to you, now standing close enough the sleeve of his tan trench coat brushed against the bare skin of your arm.

Taking a deep breath, you delayed the questions you knew were coming, by asking one of your own. "Where did Sam and Dean take off to?"

You still hadn't turned to face Cas, so you missed the way his eyes darkened, and his jaw tightened, knowing that you were trying to act as if everything was normal.

"They went to the bar." He simply answered, and you brushed past him, deciding to get a beer of your own. Before you could make it to the fridge, Cas reached out and gently grabbed you by the arm.

"Y/N." Was all he said, but it was enough. You raised your gaze to meet his, hating the look of compassion that was shining bright in his blue eyes. The last thing you wanted was compassion, you weren't sure how to handle it.

"Cas let me go, I'm getting a beer." You said through your teeth, using anger to hide the unfamiliar emotions running through your system.

His hand released your arm, and you quickly grabbed a beer, gulping half of it down in one shot. Cas waited patiently until the bottle left your lips before trying again. "Y/N, Sam and Dean are worried about you. I'm worried about you. How can I help?"

You brushed off his concern, laughing to hide the fact that it warmed your heart that he cared about you. You weren't sure if it was because you were with the Winchesters/, or because he really cared for you, but either way it made you feel good. And you hadn't felt good in a long time.

"Cas, really, the boys are just being their usual over protective self. I'm fine, I've just been unlucky lately. That's it!" You defended yourself.

Cas cocked his had to the side, and you swore he ws looking straight into your soul. Trying not to fidgit, you returned his stare, trying to show him, that you were in fact okay. You knew it was a lie, but you didn't want him to know that.

After what seemed like hours, but was in fact only seconds, Cas looked away, and you could breathe normally again. You put the beer bottle down, before climbing onto the bed, deciding to call it a night. 

Ignoring Cas, you pulled the covers up to your chin, and closed your eyes. Sleep had been elusive lately, and you hoped that you could get a good night's sleep while Sam and Dean were gone. As your mind drifted, you heard the couch creak as Cas sat down.

"Well, if your fine, than you won't mind if I stay with you guys on the next couple of hunts, will you?" Cas said, and your eyes opened, freaking out at the thought that your precious angel would be there 24/7, watching your every move.


	2. Chapter 2

The next couple of days, you were careful, not wanting to draw any more suspicion to yourself. You tried to eat normally, interact normally, and even worked hard at the hunts, making sure you were on top of your game. It was exhausting. Never good at pretending, you were doing your best to make sure Sam and Dean, and Cas, didn't notice anything else out of the ordinary. 

You would have thought Cas would have given up by now, but the Angel had stayed true to his word, hardly leaving your side, even going so far that he almost followed you into the bathroom when you had announced you needed a shower. You had lost it then, yelling at Cas, but the poor confused Angel didn't totally didn't understand what he had done wrong. Shutting the door in his face, you listened to Dean's laughter at the expense of the poor Angel.

However, you weren't sure how much longer you could keep up the act, it was exhausting you, and dragging you down farther into the pit you called your empty soul. It was so hard to pretend to feel okay, or even anything at all, when all you wanted was to feel nothing.

Today, the four of you had gone out to breakfast,  Sam and Dean arguing like usual, while you sat next to Cas. Your breakfast of bacon and eggs were growing cold, but you couldn't eat more than a couple bites. You figured with the way the two were bickering, they wouldn't notice that you hadn't eaten all of your food.

Cas noticed, and soon you felt a hand placed over the top of yours, surprising you. You glanced down, seeing your small hand covered by one much bigger, and rougher. Castiel's deep voice resonated through your head, as he whispered in your ear. "Y/N, is everything okay? You haven't eaten much."

The simple touch broke through your reserve, bringing forward feelings that you had so desperately trying to hide. Blushing, you tilted your head down, hiding behind the cascade of your hair. "Yeah Cas I'm fine, just not that hungry today." You said, hoping he would buy it.

Seconds passed, the only sounds were of Sam and Dean arguing about the newest hunt. Finally, Cas replied, still in a husky, quiet whisper. "I might be an Angel, but I do have feelings Y/N. And I care about you. So if anything is wrong, please let me help you."

You didn't know how much you needed to hear those words, but the moment they passed through his chapped lips, youhad to choke back a sob. Taking a deep breath, you tried to regain your composure, knowing that you had screwed up in front of the one person you had cared about most, and showed that you weren't in fact fine.

Cas turned your hand over, intertwining his fingers with yours, then pulled, dragging you out of the booth with him. Sam and Dean stopped their bickering for a moment to glance up, curious as to why the two of you were standing up.

"I'm taking Y/N for a walk." Cas said, not taking his eyes off of you.

"Fine, but don't take too long. We need to leave for the hunt soon." Dean complained, before you saw Sam elbow him. Dean grunted, and turned to yell at Sam, but Sam gave him a pointed look, and you could see understanding dawn on Dean's face.

"You know what, take your time. That vengeful spirit will be there when you get back."

Knowing you had no choice but to go with Cas, you followed behind him, your hand still grasped tightly in his. Cas didn't slow down, or speak, instead he charged right through the door, and turned left, away from the city, and towards the alley.

When you found your voice, you opened your mouth to speak, but Cas beat you to it. "I want to go somewhere more private. Hold on please."

Curious, you followed his orders, grabbing his shoulders tightly, grateful for the excuse to get close enough to Cas that you could smell the unique essence that was all your Angel. A sort of musk, mixed with the scent of fresh air and clouds, it was inviting, and relaxing.

You were so busy breathing in Castiel's unique scent that you didn't realize that Cas had transported you somewhere else.  Reluctantly letting go, you glanced around in awe. You were in a little alcove, completely surrounded by giant pine trees. To the right of you, was a steady flowing waterfall, pouring into a crystal clear pool of water.  Moss lined one side of the pond, while the other held a beach full of sparkling sand. 

Cas watched you as you took it all in, a smile tugging at the corner of his lip, as he shared one of his most prized secrets.

"Where are we?" You finally asked, still in awe of the beauty of the place.

"Somewhere in the Hawaiian Islands. I accidentally traveled here one time, and now I often find myself seeking this place out in times of trouble. Now sit, and share your troubles with me, it will make you feel better."

Knowing the peace was too good to last, you sat on a rock, taking your shoes off in a last ditch effort to prolong the inevitable. You placed your feet in the cool water, almost moaning at how wonderful it felt. Cas sat next to you, rolling his suit pants up, before following suit and sticking his feet in.

Cas let you sit in silence, knowing that your admission would have to come at your own pace, instead of being forced out. 

Feeling relaxed for the first time in weeks, maybe even months, you decide to give in, and give Cas some idea of what you were feeling.

"I feel so alone. I know it's stupid, and I'm not. I have you, Sam and Dean, but I still feel so empty inside." You whispered, wincing at the thought of Castiel's pity once he heard how messed up you really were.


	3. Chapter 3

It was easier to look down at your feet, and to watch the ripples of water that were created when you moved, then it was to look up and see the pity that you knew was in Castiel's eyes. 

You felt a tear slip down your cheek, before you watched it land in the water. It was then you heard Cas speak, and you inwardly cringed at what you knew he was going to say.

"Y/N, look at  me," Cas says quietly, his voice booking no argument. You slowly raise your gaze, your vision blurred by the tears you were trying so hard to hold back. Castiel's blue eyes were darker, clouded over by a deep emotion, one you were unable to decipher. "Y/N, you are not alone. You have Sam and Dean, and me. I do not understand how you can feel alone when you are constantly with one of us."

You knew he wouldn't understand,  Cas might have been around for centuries, but emotions were still relatively new to him.

Facing the water once again gave you the courage to push on, to make him understand what you were trying to stay. "I know Cas, but it's different. Dean has Sam, they will always chose each other first. And you have all your Angels, and heaven to deal with. I just feel like I can't do anything right, and you guys would be better off without me. That no one would miss me." You finished in a whisper.

Cas grabbed your hand in his, surprising you with the unexpected contact, and you stared at your combined hands, as a feeling of warmth spread through you. You knew one of the things that had you so far down was your feelings for a certain angel.  Knowing he would never love you back was a hard pill to swallow, and it was the first step into your downward spiral. 

"I don't know how to make you understand, but believe me Y/N, you matter to all of us. I can't imagine life without you, and you've saved Sam and Dean so many times, they would be hellhound meat without you."

Knowing that he was trying his hardest to understand but failing, you decide to brush it off, hoping he wouldn't notice that it was just another one of your acts. "Cas, I know I have you guys, that we are in this together. Don't worry, it's just a mood, but it will pass."

You stared deep into Castiel's blue eyes, hoping that the direct eye contact would show him that you were telling the truth. Inside you were quaking, Castiel's eyes were dragging you under his spell, and you weren't sure how long you could hold your lie.

When you thought you couldn't hold it any longer, Cas glanced down, his eyebrows drawn together in concern. You watched as he seemed to be listening to someone, his head cocked to the side.

Thankful for the distraction from you, you pulled your feet out from the cool water, and put your socks and shoes back on. Cas did the same,  before taking your hand in his. "We have to go back. Sam and Dean found the spirit and are having some issues with it."

Breathing a sigh of relief that your interrogation had been briefly put on hold, you step closer to Cas, enjoying the feel of his arm wrapping around you as he transported you back to the diner.

Taking a moment to gather yourself after moving that fast, you didn't immediately notice that the Impala was gone. Of course Cas did, and he was furious. "How dare they leave? They knew this spirit was especially powerful, and would take all of us to take it down."

You were upset at the boys too, furious that they would continue on the hunt without you. Glancing around you noticed an older, beat up Honda sitting in the darkened corner of the parking lot, just asking to be "borrowed."

While Cas still fumed, you made your way to the car, glancing around to see if anyone was watching. Apparently you and Cas had been gone a lot longer than you had thought, because the empty parking lot was bathed in the darkened light of dusk.

Thanking your luck that the door was unlocked, you got to hot wiring it, proud of yourself when no more than 5 minutes had passed and the car was running. Cas had stopped ranting, and stood there watching you.

"Well?" You asked, waiting for him to climb in. He shook his head at you, before climbing into the passenger seat. "Y/N, you know this is stealing, right? It doesn't seem right. I could have transported us over there."

"I know Cas, but I still have a headache from the last transport, and if I'm going to be fighting a vengeful spirit, I need all my wits with me."

You drove as fast as the old clunker would let you, making it to the cemetery in less than ten minutes. The Impala was already parked outside of the gates, and you slid the car behind it. Turning to open the door, you were stopped by a hand on your arm.

"Y/N," Cas started, but you stopped him.

"Cas, now really isn't a good time. Those two buffoons need our help, and could already be in serious trouble. We'll talk later." 

"Please be safe. Don't try anything stupid." He begged.

"Opening the door, you grabbed your weapons, before turning to him. "I don't make promises I can't keep." You told him before squeezing through a gap in the fence and running towards the action.


	4. Chapter 4

Cursing the fact that you had left your flashlight back in the Impala, you had to slow your running down to a walk, so you didn't trip and crack your head open.. Making your way carefully around the marble headstones, you followed the sound of Sam and Dean's voices. 

Hearing footsteps crashing through the dead grass, you attempted to speed up, moaning in pain when your toe connected with the edge of a stone.

"God Damn it." You muttered under your breath, limping as you moved along. Looking toward the sky, you unconsciously shivered as your old fear of cemeteries hit you with full force. You knew it was stupid, you were a hunter for crying out loud, but there was something about them that put you on edge. Especially when you were in them at night, and the trees and headstones casted shadows against the ground, the wind moving the branches.

Moving past a particularly creepy dead tree, you finally spotted Sam and Dean. Dean was halfway through digging up the grave, while Sam stood watch, waiting for the vengeful spirit to try and stop them. 

Knowing they were still too far away to hear you, you kept moving, keeping them in your sight at all time, a sort of a way to calm you down. You could feel the hair on your neck stand up, and the beat of your heart pounding against your ribs. Wishing you had waited for Cas, you turned to see him almost on top of you. He must have caught up while you were watching Sam and Dean.

"Y/N, what were you thinking, taking off like that?" Cas asked. He didn't seem mad, merely curious. 

"I'm sorry." You whispered, feeling a little bit ashamed of your childish behavior. "I just knew you were going to want to talk and lay some ground rules about this hunt, and I couldn't handle it. I hate it that you guys are treating me differently." 

Cas stayed silent, you could almost see the wheels in his brain turning, and you would have loved to know what was going on in that Angelic brain of his.

When you had given up hope that he would answer, Cas surprised you. He gently touched your face, the touch out of place in the cemetery, making it all the more special. "Y/N, I'm sorry we've been treating you different, of watching you closely. But you mean too much to us, to me, and we don't want anything to happen to you. I know you're in a difficult time right now, and I want to help you get through it. Please, let me help." Cas begged, his words raw with emotion.

Tears pricked your eyes, and you hastily wiped them away, not wanting to seem too soft. "Thanks Cas, you'll never know how much that means to me. But right now, I'm pretty sure Sam and Dean need our help." 

As you said that, you saw the spirit materialize behind Sam. You were now close enough that Sam heard your scream, turning to look at you in confusion.

"Behind you!" You screamed, but it was already too late. The spirit threw Sam, and you heard a sickening thud as Sam slammed against a tree.

 

Dean, you could see, was almost done digging up the grave, and you knew you would need to distract the spirit until he was ready.

"Cas, go get the salt and lighter fluid!" You told him, before grabbing Sam's shotgun he had dropped. 

"But what are you..." Cas started to say, but you held your hand up, stopping him.

"Cas, please. I need to make sure no one else gets hurt." With that, you turned your back on Cas, running over to check on Sam. Kneeling down, you placed two fingers on his neck, breathing a sigh of relief when you felt a pulse. You checked him over, wincing at the giant knot forming on the back of his head.

Knowing the only thing you could do, you stood back up, keeping your eyes peeled for any sight of the spirit. You spotted him next to Dean, a sad figure, one that broke your heart. What used to be a young teenage boy, was now a monster intent on revenge, not caring who got in his way. 

You raised the shotgun, aiming directly at the boy, and pulled the trigger, the salt round flying directly into his chest, causing him to vanish in a cloud of smoke. Knowing you had given every one at least thirty seconds of relief, you turned to check on Sam again. His color seemed to be improving, and you knew he would be waking back up any minute. 

You start to stand up and turn, but halfway up you freeze. Staring you in the eyes, was a pair of blood shot brown eyes, so filled with hatred, it made your heart hurt. Unsure what to do, you slowly lift the gun, hoping he didn't notice the movement. But he did, and with just a look, your gun went flying across the clearing, smashing into bits against a headstone. 

Not knowing what else to do, you try to reason with the spirit. "You don't have to do this. It's not going to make you feel any better." You searched his face, but his expression hadn't changed, so you tried harder. "We can help. Help you move on, to a better place. You don't deserve this, please let us help."

His face seemed to soften, but only for a second, before his hand was around your neck, squeezing tight enough you started to see stars. "But I have to. They teased me, and bullied me. They need to be taught a lesson."

You were grasping his arm, trying to get it off of you. Your chest hurt, and you knew you only had seconds left before unconsciousness consumed you.

As your vision turned black, you saw an iron bar swinging by, and the ghost vanished, dropping you to your knees. Taking in deep, painful breaths, you felt Castiel's arms supporting you.

"Y/N, are you alright?" Cas asked, worry for you evident in his voice. Standing, you nodded, not wanting to test your bruised throat. You turned and saw that Dean was done digging the grave, and was making his way toward where Cas had dropped the salt in his hurry to get to you. 

"Hey Cas, where did the lighter go?" Dean asked, and Cas moved away from you, going to help Dean. Out of the corner of your eye, you noticed movement, and watched in horror as the spirit moved towards Cas. Opening your mouth, you tried to scream in warning, but your throat was too battered, and only a little squeak come out.

Giving yourself no time to think, you charged forward. Everything felt like it was happening in slow motion, the spirits arm slowly moving towards Cas, while you felt like you were moving in quick sand.

You watched as Cas noticed the spirit, standing frozen as it glided towards him. Before it could wrap it's hand around Castiel's heart, you were there, diving forward, arriving just as the spirit shot it's hand forward. 

You watched in horror, as the spirits hand disappeared in you, all the way up to its wrist, before an agony unlike anything you had ever felt crippled your body. The only thing holding you up was the hand wrapped around your heart. Wondering if this is what a heart attack would feel like, you could only stand there, tears streaming down your face. Behind you, you could hear voices, their words garbled.

Once again, black dots clouded your vision, and the pain slowly faded away, leaving behind an empty numbness. Exhausted beyond belief, your eyes slowly drifted shut, and in the back of your mind, you knew that you weren't ready to die. All those times you had been so reckless, so careless with your life, you had never considered the fact that you really didn't want to leave. Because of Cas, you felt like you had something to live for, but now it was too late.

Wishing you had had an opportunity to tell Cas before, you tried to fight the darkness, but it was too strong. As your body succumbed to the pain, you saw a glimpse of flames, before you knew no more.


	5. Chapter 5

You slowly awoke to small, quiet sounds, comforting sounds that almost lulled you back  into unconsciousness. Simple sounds, that of someone breathing quietly next to you, the rumble of a tv turned down low, the quiet clacking of someone typing on a computer nearby. The sound of an old beaten down heater trying to run.

These sounds let you know that you weren't dead yet, unless your heaven consisted of spending time in a hotel room with Team Free Will.

With your eyes still closed, you took the time to take stock of your body. For being attacked by a vengeful spirit, you felt surprisingly well, only a couple of aches and pains, but nothing like you would have expected to feel. 

As you laid there, the sounds in the room changed, the breathing grew closer, and the sound of footsteps came to the side of your bed. Wanting to wait and see what would happen, you pretended to still be asleep, keeping your breathing slow and steady. 

A chair scraping against the floor was heard, along with the rustle of clothing. It was then Sam spoke softly, "Cas, we're heading out for food. Give you some time alone with Y/N. We will be back soon."

Once the door opened and closed, you felt the side of the bed dip, as Cas sat down next to you. You felt guilty for acting asleep,  but you were curious as to what was going to happen. 

The sudden contact of Castiel's warm, callused hand grabbing your own was almost enough to give away your act, but you were able to control yourself.

You felt his thumb rubbing the top of your hand, making soothing gentle circles. "Y/N, I can sense that you're awake. Come on honey, open your eyes."

You opened your eyes, stunned that he had known you were faking it, and stared straight into the most stunning pair of blue eyes that you had ever seen. You knew you would never get used to how brilliant and bright blue they were, almost as if his angel grace was shining through.

"How did you know?" You whispered, your voice weak from lack of use.

He smiled, his crooked toothy smile making your heart melt. "I'm an Angel, remember? We can sense things. Now, how are you feeling?"

You scooted up on the bed, Cas leaning forward to help plump the pillows behind you. "I feel fine, maybe just a little bit sore. How long was I out?"

Cas brushed an errant strand of hair from your face, his concern still evident on his face. "Two days. I was starting to become worried."

No longer able to look Cas in the eye, you glanced down at the chrap, rough blanket covering you, using your free hand to pull at the loose thread you noticed. "I'm sorry." You whispered, tears gathering in your eyes at the thought of how annoyed they probably were at being stuck and having to watch you.

"You're sorry? For what?" Cas asked, confused. 

Still unable to look him in the eye, you pulled your hand from his, using both hands to pull and fiddle with the thread. "Im sorry you had to worry about me. I'm sorry you, and Sam and Dean were forced to take care of me. To stay here instead of looking for another hunt. I'm sorry I screwed everything up. It would probably be better if I just packed up my stuff, and left you guys alone." 

The tears truly started falling then. You didn't really want to leave the Winchesters, and especially Cas, but you knew it was probably for the best. Then they could go back to their trio and forget about you, while you... You weren't sure what you would do, but at least you wouldn't mess up anymore of their hunts.

Cas stood up, and started pacing, his back towards you, so you were unable to tell what he was thinking. Maybe he was glad you had decided to leave, and was planning how to help move that along. The thought that he was happy you were leaving broke what little hope you had left in your heart, the hope that maybe you would finally belong with someone, that someone actually liked you.

You stood up, feeling dizzy for a moment, but you were able to quickly gather your wits, before moving to where your clothes were thrown haphazardly around your duffle bag. Grabbing a flannel, you pulled it on over your shoulders, before shoving the rest in the bag. You were only able to get one or two shirts stuffed in your bag before your arm was grasped, and you were roughly turned around. 

"What do you think you're doing?" Cas yelled, and you were shocked to see how angry he had become. His nostrils were flared, and his eyes were squinted, his eyebrows drawn down in a frown. You automatically tried to step back, sudden scared of Cas, but his grip on your arm, left no room for movement. 

"I'm packing, what does it look like?" You asked, using sarcasm to mask your fear.

Cas literally lifted you over the ground with the one hand, and tossed you back on your bed. He then stood, looking over you, his hands tight in fists, and for a moment you thought he was going to strike you.

"I got that you were packing, but why? Why do you think that we want you to leave?" Cas asked, a mixture of hurt, and anger causing his blue eyes to darken.

"Why? Because you would be better off without me! I'm stupid, and ugly, and have almost gotten you, and the Winchesters killed more times than I want to admit! The last few hunts, I was hoping the monsters would take care of me, because I was too afraid to leave you guys on my own! I know you would be better off without me, but I couldn't force myself to leave! I would have rather died, than not be with you. I'm pathetic." You ended your rant, glad that you finally got all of your fears and insecurities out, even if it let Cas see how little you thought of yourself.

During your rant, Cas had gone from angry to an emotion you couldn't quite name, but it scared you almost as much as his anger. His hands had unclenched, his shoulders drooped, and he was running his hand through his dark hair, making it stand on end.

"Is that really what you think?" He asked quietly, and you nodded, unable to speak past the lump in your throat.


	6. Chapter 6

You had watched Castiel's emotions go from worried, to angry, to one you couldn't name, but the emotion on his face now flooded you with guilt and shame. Because disappointment showed clearly on his face, and you knew it was directed entirely at you.

Not wanting to hear the excuses, or fake reasons that he would end up coming up with, you tried to make you way into the bathroom.  You hoped that by the time you were done with a shower, you would have your mask back in place, and Cas would have forgotten what you had just accidentally said.

"Y/N, wait!" Cas said loudly from behind you, but you ignored it, and continued moving towards the bathroom, keeping your eye on the only escape you could think of.

Knowing you screwed something else up was a tough pill to swallow. It seemed like that was the only thing you could do well, was mess things up, and get people hurt or killed. Just remembering all your previous mistakes, along with your new ones caused tears to well up in your eyes. Instead of wiping them away, you quickened your steps, knowing you were only one or two steps away from your haven, the bathroom.

With your vision clouded by tears, you hadn't noticed that Cas had transported himself, and was now standing directly in front of the bathroom, blocking your entrance. You ran right into him, your head bumping into his strong chest. Before you could move,  Cas wrapped his arms around you, effectively trapping you in his embrace. 

A part of you wanted to snuggle in, to let Cas take your mind off of everything, but you knew it would only be a temporary fix, and you didn't want to act weak in front of him. So you stepped back, automatically missing the warmth and comfort his embrace had offered. Instead you wrapped your arms around yourself, and looked up at Cas, a broken look on your face.

The look on your face must have been desperate enough, because Cas sighed before wrapping his arm around your shoulders and guiding you back onto the bed. He gently pressed you down, until you were sitting on the edge of the bed, then he joined you.

"Y/N, do you know how much it breaks my heart to hear you talk like this? How sad it makes me feel that you feel this way about yourself?" Cas said, his words quiet and gentle.

Sighing, you knew there was no way you could get out of this conversation. "Cas, but why? Why do you care? Nobody's cared before, and if they've come close, they get hurt. Thats why I need to leave, you almost got hurt, and I can't have that!"

Cas grabbed your hand,  turning it so your palm fit perfectly with his. "That can't be true, you've been with Sam and Dean for awhile now, and they are okay. I know they care for you."

Tears were streaming down your face now, and even though you couldn't stop them, you still felt weak because they were falling. "True, but it's been close lately.  But I don't care for them like I care for you. And that's why I should go. I can't stand to know that you will get hurt, or killed, because of me."

Cas glanced from your joined hands to your eyes, surprised at your words. "You care for me more than the Winchesters? What does that mean?"

You smiled weakly at Cas and his social ineptitude. "It means I really like you Cas, maybe even love you."

Cas stood up then, dropping your hand in the process.  You watched as he ran his hands through his hair, and paced in front of you. It made you nervous, you rarely let your emotions show, because it usually bit you in the butt, and you were pretty sure that's what was happening right now.

Finally,  Cas stopped pacing, and turned to face you. "Really, you really like me? And we aren't talking about as friends, but maybe something more?"

"Yes, but it's okay if you don't feel the same, I understand. " You stuttered, trying to protect your already battered heart. 

Cas smiled, a brilliant, toothy grin. "I think I might love you too. I've had these weird feelings for a while, but was unsure what they meant. Whenever I saw you, my heart beat fast, and when you almost died, I had never felt such agony. Is this love?"

Smiling, you nodded. "Sounds pretty close to it. But what do I know, I never let anyone get close enough for love."

Cas frowned, then moved and knelt down in front of you, taking both of your hands in his. "Well you have now. I will be there to help you, to make you see how loved you truly are, and how amazing you are. All I ask is you help me with these emotions that I'm not used to."

"But, what if I get you hurt, or..." You started to say, but Cas hushed you. "We will go slowly, get you used to relying on other people. And don't worry, I'm am angel, it takes a lot to hurt me."

Thankful for Cas, and his wonderful, generous heart, you surprised him by throwing your arms around his neck, tucking your head under his. For a moment he sat there stunned, but then he got the hint, and wrapped his arms around you. Leaning back, you lightly kissed him on the lips. "I just want to warn you, it won't be easy, I don't think I can overcome all these negative feelings over night. There will be some dark days, and I'm sorry for that." You whispered, wanting him to understand what he was getting into.

"Y/N, we all have demons that we are fighting, and we all have bad days. But having someone there for you, to guide you through those days, is special. And I hope you will be open, and let me help you, as I hope I can be open and accept your help."

You nodded, amazed that you had found this wonderful, accepting Angel.

Just then the door opened, and Sm and Dean walked in, their arms full of all your favorite foods.

"The princess is finally awake!" Dean said when he saw you sitting up. He dropped the food and came over to you. "How are you feeling? You had us worried."

"A lot better." You said, smiling at Cas, and you knew that you truly meant it. The road would still be tough, but at least you finally realized you weren't truly alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed it! As always, I would love to hear any comments or suggestions!!


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